Little One, RB and I have been bitten. The symptoms began in January, and in February they got worse, but now I realize that our full diagnosis has actualized in March.
I hear its a lifetime diagnosis.
The symptoms are as follows:
- Compulsion – We’re compulsive in everything we do. For example, we know we need to get new smoke detectors, but suddenly they need to be installed at one in the morning OR ELSE THE WORLD WILL EXPLODE!
- Obsession- Everything all around us is adoption. The magazines we read, the shows we watch, the talks we have, the books we’re engrossed in, the pins I pin on pinterest (try saying that one three times fast) – everything is centered around it. It’s so bad I have honestly looked at a slideshow of pictures of inter-species adoption and wept at work. Its a problem.
- Exhaustion – We’re tired all the time! I slept for three days straight when I was sick, and I’m still tired…how is that possible?
- Fast heart rate- Is it from the running around? Is it from anxiety? Is it from the amount of love we have in our hearts that they are so full they might spontaneously combust? I’m not sure, but it’s definitely there.
- Foggy brain- RB locked his keys in the house this morning. Luckily I hadn’t left for work yet so even though he locked himself out I could let him in, but still… he hasn’t done that, well…ever. And I’m no better, trust me.
And all this leads to the last and final stage of the condition: Hysteria.
Yep, thats right Little One. We’ve been bitten and bitten hard.
We’ve got the adoption bug.
People often talk about being bitten by the “acting bug” or “baby bug”. We’ve definitely been bitten by the adoption bug. I hear there is no cure, that its a lifetime thing. And I’m totally okay with that.
Right now, we’re getting to the hysteria part. In less than one week we will have a social worker sitting in our home judging how we’ll be as your parents. I don’t mean this in an aggressive way, after all that is her job to decide who is fit and unfit to parent. But it does not deter from the fact that she will be judging us on how we’re going to be as your parents while sitting in our home. She will judge how our house is, if it’s big enough for you, has enough smoke detectors, is filled with enough love and support to carry you through to adulthood. And to be completely and utterly honest, Little One, I am knees-shaking-head-sweating-can’t-sleep-can’t-eat-can’t-breathe-bone-crushingly-terrified. I know we’ll be good parents. I know our house is good enough for you. But I don’t know if she will agree. And to know that the fate of our lives with you rests in the hands of this woman scares me to my core.
But as I’ve said before, and I’ll say a million times over: this is teaching me so much. I do not give my trust easily. In most situations, it takes a long time to earn my trust. I need to change that. I need to change it to be a good mother, to show you the good in the world and that the majority of people in this world are loving and trusting people that you can give your heart to without worry. But I need to learn that lesson myself first, and this is forcing me to learn. Not only do I have to trust our social worker, I also have to trust whichever expectant mom places you with us. I need to trust that a yes means yes from her, that it is going to happen and that she trusts in me also.
I also needed a lesson in patience and relinquishing control, which I am most definitely getting schooled in throughout this process. I am a pretty type-B person most days; I am easy going and laid back and have a pretty solid carpe diam lookout on life. But when it comes to certain things, I want to hold onto the reigns. I want to be in the drivers seat (quite literally sometimes, I am neurotic about other people driving). But I need to stop and let go, and this is making me.
I have realized so many faults in myself and I how I want to change them for the better for you. No one is perfect, and I will most certainly never be perfect. RB and I will never be perfect parents, and that is just the Gods honest truth. No one is a perfect parent, no matter how much effort or love or money they put in to their parenting. People make mistakes, and we’re human. We’re going to make mistakes. But when we do, I can promise to you that we’ll do our best to learn from them. We’ll do better the next time. We’ll be humble and take ownership of our mistakes so that we can do better for you.
This has also taught me another thing about myself: I am strong. I am completely determined and passionate about getting to you. I have more strength in my mind and body than I could ever imagine, and I realize that now. No matter what happens, come hell or high water- I will get to you. I have a mothers love inside of my heart, and I know you’re out there waiting for me to find you. I promise you, as your Mom, I will always be strong enough for you. That’s a promise.
We’re getting so much closer to the finish line, Little One. We’re chugging along at full speed, terrified or not. We’re making mistakes along the way, but we’re learning from them as we go. We’re preparing our hearts and souls to be at their peak for when we parent you, so we can do it to the best of our abilities. We are full immersed in this, and we’re feverish with the adoption bug. And even though its laborious, and hard, and time consuming, and at times heartbreaking: it will be worth it in the end. It will be a blip on the radar when we’re cuddled in together for family movie nights, taking you to the park, snapping your picture for the first day of school and in your prom dress/tux on the front lawn or crying with happiness on your wedding day. I am so glad we’re writing this to you, Lo, because you’ll have a full first hand account of how badly we wanted you and how fiercely we love you. How many other children will have that?
And the adoption bug is pretty contagious. I’m almost certain we’ve spread it around to your Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles and our friends. They’ve all been posting our website and this blog on facebook and all over the place to get the word out. They’ve been bitten just as hard, and they can’t wait to meet you.
You’re so very loved, Little One. I just hope when you meet us you’ll be bitten too.
With a bitten heart full of love and determination,