Little one, there is so much to tell you. I don’t even know where to begin.
Firstly, we got a social worker. That makes it sound like we’ve kidnapped a forty year old woman and we have her holed up in a compound somewhere… I think what I meant to say is we’ve been assigned a social worker. We’ve only talked through emails, but so far she seems very nice. Secondly, and very important- we have our first date for our first of three homestudy appointments. I’m extremely nervous and overwhelmed, but I’m also very excited.
Our lives have been consumed with paperwork and exhaustion. RB and I have decided that this is our labor. We may not have to go through a physical labor wherein I give birth to you, but this is most definitely laborous, and we’re doing it for you. One of the most awesome things about adoption so far is that we get to experience this together. Yes, other couples who have biological children do go through the birth and labor “together” – but not in the same way. We are birthing you together. We’re filling out the paperwork together, we’re running around getting notarized signatures and reference letters together, we’re really in this simultaneously. Which really, in a physical labor, is impossible. Its one person coaching the other. In this experience we’re coaching each other and holding each others hands as we labor hard to get to you.
Everyday, I have this crazy ritual. It happens almost daily, sometimes even twice a day. Everytime I catch the clock at 11:11, whether it be AM or PM – I make a wish for you. You could call it a wish, or a prayer, or just insane ramblings of an adoptive mom going crazy…but I make a wish in my head to be able to adopt you soon. The other day RB and I were driving, and we went under a train underpass while the train was barreling over us, and we both made a wish. I’m not really sure that this is some kind of superstition or if I just made it up in my head, but I screamed out to RB, “Quick, make a wish while you go under the bridge!” and we both looked at each other and smiled. We knew.
I don’t know what exactly sparked this superstitious side of me, but I’ve been very hard pressed to make wishes and do “things that will bring luck.” (Which really , Little One, I know logically is impossible. Nothing BRINGS luck, luck is a manifestation of the right place at the right time. Luck is not a forcible thing, thats the ultimate beauty of luck).
If it works, it works. If it doesn’t, it still makes me feel a little better and helps me get through the tough days- so either way its a win/win. I’ve never been like this before, but then again I’ve never wanted anything more than I want you in my entire life.
We haven’t heard anything more from the BM who is due June, so we’re not totally losing hope but it is fading quickly as the days have turned into weeks and now months. So we’re working hard on plan B. We bought a website address, and we’ve been working tirelessly to create the website. I’ve been reading board after board coming up with ideas for how to “market” ourselves to potential BMs. We’re going to create business cards, bumper stickers, car decals, tote bags- whatever we can to get the website address out there. We’re going to make a facebook page, a twitter account, a tumblr and pinterest accounts…anything we can to get the message across. Right now we’re holding off on sharing it with everyone until we pass the homestudy. Again with the crazy luck thing- I don’t want to jinx it.
This post has been fairly rambling, so I’m just going to continue the trend here. There is something I’ve touched on before, but I want to just explore with you, Little One.
There seems to be a central theme in those adopting after facing infertility. Its on the homestudy application, its on adoption board websites, its written in chapter long diatribes in adoption books: you have to mourn the loss of not being pregnant and not giving birth to successfully adopt.
And here is where I feel like maybe there is something wrong with me. I don’t feel like its a loss. I don’t feel like I’m just ignoring those feelings – because they simply are not there. I’m still jealous of women who get pregnant easily. It still hurts to go to babyshowers. But it hurts in a why-do-I-after-four-years-not-have-a-family-yet way, not an I-want-to-have-a-huge-pregnant-belly-way. Honestly, if I ever in the future get to experience pregnancy- great. If I don’t- also great. As long as I get the experience of being a mother. And adoption will not make me any less of a mother just because I don’t carry you inside of my body for nine months. You’re in my head, my heart, and every action I’ve been taking since January 13th, 2012. You’re here, you don’t need to be in my uterus too. I’m not sad about losing that part of our relationship, we have so much more in our lives to experience together that nine months isn’t going to make a difference.
So there it is, Little One, my big rambling message to you. I wish I could post more, but we’re so busy getting ready for your arrival that unfortunately time gets away from us. So for now, I’m going to go rub my lucky penny and say my wishes and prayers and turn my magic eight ball upside down until it all gives me the answer I’m looking for.
But really, I know in my heart you’ll be here soon.
And once you’re here, I’ll know for certain I’m the luckiest person in the entire world.
Except, of course, for RB too!
Waiting not so patiently but with a heart full of love,