When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves…

Hello there Little One! You have not been forgotten about, trust me. You are on our mind every millisecond of every day. Its just been a little crazy around here to find time to write.

Yesterday was a very big day- our second nephew was born. Hopefully, your cousin one day. It was beautiful seeing my sister and her husband so happy, and both RB and I are so happy for them. Our new nephew is gorgeous, healthy with bright eyes and a  head full of dark hair and tiny little  hands, he’s absolutely perfect. I spent most of the morning watching K, my sisters oldest son (wow, its weird to say “oldest” son now!) He was so excited about being a big brother. We spent the morning making cards for his new baby brother and mom and dad, playing together with puzzles, watching Sesame Street and singing along. Spending time with him was a joy, and made me realize all over again how much I want to be a mother. He was so excited on the ride to the hospital to go meet his new brother. He made sure I didn’t forget the gift he’d gotten for him, and babbled the entire time on the ride about his new baby brother. Everytime we’d hit a redlight on the ride, he’d scream in anger that it was stopping him from seeing his brother. He’d say, “These red lights! I need to get to the hospital! I have a brother!” We’d snap our fingers together to get the light to turn green faster. He was so proud when he snapped so hard that three lights in a row changed green at once. He gleamed with pride as we walked into the hospital sporting his “I’m the Big Brother” shirt, he told everyone he could that he was going to see his new baby brother.

It  reminded me how great it was to have a sibling growing up- and I really hope you get to experience what its like. Siblings are always having someone to always rely on. Siblings are so important- they are the only ones who know what its like to grow up with your set of parents, they are a huge branch of your history and a great support system. I don’t know what I would do without my sister. I’m incredibly lucky to have a sibling, and I hope you get that same luck.

Yesterday reaffirmed for me that 1. you’re worth this, and 2. I don’t care that I don’t give birth to you.I have mourned that part of our relationship, admittedly- and its a complete non issue. I am carrying you in my heart, and I’ll probably be pregnant with the thought and hope for you longer than nine months. This will only strengthen our bond together. Today someone asked me if I was nervous about getting pregnant, and for the first time I didn’t come up with any excuse to avoid the whole infertility explanation…instead I said firmly, “nope, we’re going to adopt!”  and it felt so natural and amazing. It might sound insane, but in my head I’m already pregnant with you, and I have been for a long time…. I just have no due date yet. I’ve heard other people describe it as “paper pregnant” referring to the homestudy process, and its a pretty accurate term.

Speaking of that, yesterday was also another milestone for our journey to you. We submitted our homestudy application- so step one is completed. This morning I called the agency and paid for the downpayment fee, and spoke with a representative who explained that next step we’ll be assigned a social worker in the next ten days, then schedule our first home visit with her to go over all the paperwork.Its officially crunch time!Today I’ve been a lot more hopeful, even though I’m admittedly extremely nervous about the entire process. Speaking to people who have been through it in message boards has been a Godsend. I will definitely be more relieved when that stamp of approval is in our hands.

We are so excited just at the prospect of you, Little One. We’re one step closer, and hopefully soon we’ll know when we’re officially due to be your parents.


Until then, I’m enjoying getting closer and closer.

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