I wish I knew why, Little One. I wish I could pinpoint why some days are so difficult and other days seem fine. I get that this is a rollercoaster, I get that days are going to vary. I just wish I knew better how to control it.
One day I’m fine, bubbly, happy, confident that things will work out in our favor and everything will be fine in the end. I can picture a bouncing baby on our laps with smiles all around.
Then there are days like today. Days where I don’t feel like being a human. Days when I would rather have just stayed in bed. Days when I try not to break down into tears at everything around me. Days when I feel like the monster insect, and not Gregor Samsa.
Days when all I focus on is the negative: never being your mother.
I don’t know why. I have yet to pinpoint the triggers or the reasoning behind why some days/weeks are seemingly easier and others aren’t. Some days, like today, it all just seems so far fetched and overwhelming, it seems so impossible.
We’re in a pretty rough holding pattern right now. It feels like everything is just sitting and waiting, and I hate this feeling. What I hate more than this feeling is the fear that this feeling will last a really long time- or simply never go away.
I’m afraid that if this birth mother backs out, we’re pushed back in our plans even further. We’re waiting who knows how long to get picked by another birth mother- or we might not ever get picked at all. I think its this fear that has me so crippled today.
We still haven’t heard anything further from this BM. We are waiting on tax money to start the homestudy, and we’re waiting on the homestudy to start the push to look for a different BM.
So in all this waiting to start is the fear of it never ending or ending too soon. What if we don’t have enough money? What if the homestudy fails? What if we never get chosen by another birth mother?
What if this never happens?
This is completely uncharted seas for us to navigate little one, and its so hard some days. And I think it might be okay to just let myself have one of those days every once in a while, as long as the majority are positive- which they are.
But every once in a while, it feels good to break down. My warm forehead resting on the cold tile as tears stream down my face in the office bathroom just seems to feel right sometimes, and I often feel better afterwards. Its cathartic to have an insect day every once in a while, as long as I don’t turn in to the insect.
And if I do, there is always tomorrow to be hopeful for.