I’ve been slacking. I apologize, Little One. And trust me, this lack of posting is not for nothing – I’ve been so busy with things concerning you. I kept saying all weekend that I’d post tomorrow – but then all of a sudden its Monday.
Friday RB and I went and met with the lawyer. She was so, so nice and we both fell in love with her instantly.She was very informative and knew her adoption stuff backwards and forwards…but it was also a very sobering experience. We realized that we also need the birth fathers consent, and that he could at any time (or his parents) say they would like to parent. But it also got us thinking about more real stuff too- like waiting for the ICPC papers to clear and being in New Jersey for the first ten days of your life..how nice it would be to find a condo near the beach and just camp out there until all the legality is finalized. We probably would never leave the room (we’d be far too busy trying to figure out how to be parents…or marveling at the miracle you are) but we could smell the salty ocean air and know we’re getting closer to home with each passing hour.
The lawyer also said its very, very important for us to form a bond with the birth mother. Thats something we didn’t really know- but showing her pictures of our family, having lunch with her and talking about the future would really solidify the decision (the decision that we haven’t heard anything about yet) in her mind. It was crazy to begin thinking about these things in real terms- it stripped away the dream like state we were in and left the raw truth, and part of it hurt but another part of it felt amazing, like coming out of a coma and realizing you’re still alive. It was kind of like the first time we visited with the reproductive endocrinologist. She was explaining the way our first attempt would go down, and she got to the end and I asked…well what happens after that? And she said well then you take a home pregnancy test and see if you’re pregnant! And it was such an obvious answer, but to someone who thinks having a family is so far off (and in that case -it was) the sobering though of having a little + sign right there in your hands was so hard to conceptualize. This is the same way. Its hard for me to think, without it being dream-like, of you snuggling in our arms in a New Jersey hotel room for nine days after you’re born. Its unimaginable at this point.
I’m really hoping that changes.
As for the rest of the weekend, Saturday and Sunday flew by, between having friends over and cleaning to get ready for the homestudy and reading about ICPC adoption laws and going out to lunch one more time with my sister before our new nephew arrives – I don’t know where the weekend went.
I’m trying so hard not to be terrified, and I’ve been doing a pretty good job at keeping myself busy so that I don’t notice it but my subconcious definitely does. I look down at my bleeding thumbs that I’ve been picking at unnoticed all weekend and realize that I’m more worried than ever.
BM was supposed to contact the minister this weekend, but we haven’t heard anything yet. Either way we’ve resolved that if she says no, we’re going to go ahead with an agency and get the homestudy completed and either spend the money trying to find a match through them, or trying to find a match on our own and pay for a lawyer. The biggest part is we’ve got a plan.
But its so scary, its almost like I can feel you slipping out of my fingertips, and you were never in them to begin with. I still feel strongly that you might be the little one due in June, but I also am trying to protect my heart from harm and I’m safeguarding it with all my might against hope to avoid the pain.
I know you’re out there, I just do. Its like a mothers instinct. I am literally a childless mother.I know in my heart that I’m a mother, I feel it in my bones. I’m just waiting on you to complete the puzzle.
I’m waiting on you so that I can be a