Tomorrow is the big day.
Tomorrow we meet with the lawyer. I’m so extremely nervous, afraid she’ll take one look at us and say, yeah right, theres no way you can adopt. And I know that is irrational, but its where my head is right now.
Lately I’ve been battling insomnia – something I haven’t really had an issue with since college. But the worry and anxiety are getting to me…as hard as I am fighting it. I just want to be your mother more than anything in this entire world. I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want you in my life.
But I have hope, a big giant anchor of hope that things will work out.
And I think about you in everything- and BM too. For example, there is this super annoying commercial for a phone company (thank goodness for the magic of DVR’s, I can usually skip through it) but it bothers me so much. The premise is a man and a woman in a nursery, and the man is holding an infant while the woman looks at a phone bill. She talks about the phone bill saying things like “This little package is costing us way too much money, we should just get rid of it” and he assumes she’s talking about the baby. And I hate, hate, hate this stupid commercial.
I don’t know why it bothers me so much, but I really can’t stand it. I think the reason I’m so disturbed by it is I think of BM (and all the other BM’s out there) who might see this commercial and think thats what people think of them- that they are just giving their babies up because they don’t care or are selfish. And unfortunately little one, there are ignorant people in this world that do think those thoughts. And it drives me insane.
Birth mothers are without a doubt the most amazing mothers on the planet. They care so much about the child they’ve carried within their body for nine months, that they make the ultimate sacrifice to give those children a life they could not provide. It takes a gargantuan amount of courage and resolve to come to that decision, and double that amount of courage to go through with the decision. They are the strongest women in the entire world.
I don’t want you to ever feel that you were given up, discarded, a lesser human than anyone else. Your BM loved you so much, enough to put her own feelings and emotions aside and put you in to the arms of someone else. It’s a miracle that adoptions happen. You are so so very wanted, and don’t ever forget it, because in my mind no other child in this universe is wanted more than you.
We love you so much Little One….so much that words don’t even come close.
And you know how much I love to use the power of words.