Well, convoluted answers so far. Its not a definite no, but its not a definite yes. And that is so terrifying.
I’m not that niave, I know its always going to be convoluted answers. No adoptions really go off without a hitch, except in movies. There is always uncertainty all around, just like there is in infertility. Instead of having a two week wait, we have an indefinite wait. And maybe I have been romaticizing the process, believing in my heart it would be a fairytale ending where this is all meant to be, that our first shot at this would be set up so completely perfectly and everyone would be in agreeance and nothing but smiles come out in the end.. And maybe I’m completely reprehensibly wrong about that- but then again maybe I’m not. It’s really hard to say at this point, or any point really. We won’t really know until you are in our arms for the long haul, little one.
And after a lot of crying last night, I have come to one very solid conclusion.
I know in my heart one thing: you’re out there. Waiting.
This may sound silly, but I feel like I’ve already connected to your soul and I’m just waiting for the body that comes along with it. I know in my heart of hearts that you are out there somewhere, feeling that connection too. You may not be in this birth mothers womb right now. This may not be the body or situation your little soul has chosen – maybe it has. I’m not really sure. But I am sure that what is meant to be will be, and one way or another you and I will be together. Because whether you are the little one in this particular situation or some other situation (perhaps one that hasn’t even happened yet, maybe one that we don’t even know about), you are out there. And my arms and mind will remain wide open until we find our way to each other. This one may not be your journey, it might be… but I have to face the very real reality that it could very well not be. And if it’s not, the baby that is in this particular birth mothers life is the catalyst to RB and I going down this adoption path with a solid decision.
Before we were on the sidelines of the adoption path, occasionally peeking our heads around the bend to see if we were brave enough to even try. But now, this situation has firmly planted all four of our feet on the road, and we’ve began making strides towards the end goal.
And even if the end goal is not this particular baby, I know you are out there little one, and I know that now we’re not just staring down a long road, wondering if its the right path. I know we’re on the right road. I know we’re making progress. I know that when all is said and done, you’ll be at the end of this road ready for our loving arms.
There are still so many unknowns and uncertainties, and it’s still a very nerve wracking and terrifying journey. That won’t ever change. And sometimes I get so discouraged- why is this so hard for us? Why do we have to go through this? Why are there so many people, undeserving, unloving, who take their children for granted…why does it come so easy to them?
The only way I can rationalize it in my head is this: RB and I were designed for greatness. Not to pat ourselves on the back, but we’re so much stronger than those people. We have known pain, and we will overcome. We know that we are worth so much more than this, and we will try everything in our power to find you, because you are out there. This is something we are destined to accomplish. Those other people, the ones that pop out kids and don’t appreciate the beautiful and amazing gift they’ve been given…they will never know the secrets we know. They will never understand how precious and miraculous life really is. They will never appreciate their children the way we will appreciate ours. They will never know how to overcome pain and loss the way we can. They will never know what it’s like to stay up at night, crying for a child that might not even be yours. They will not live every single day to the fullest, knowing full well what an amazing, precious, fragile gift life is to every human being that roams this earth. They will never look in to the eyes of strangers and know deep in their soul that they are here for a reason, no matter who they are.
But we will.
We know what its like to face life together. We know what its like to hold hands and navigate a rocky road we’d never think we’d have to travel on, the soles of our shoes being worn down with every step, the pain and blood and sweat and tears that go in to every milestone building who we are as people. Building our compassion for others, being able to look in the face of pain and deal with it rather than turn around and run. We are better people because of this journey, and nothing can change that. We have matured and grown so much facing this together, not just in our marriage but individually. We are better people because of the path we’ve chosen.
I’m not giving up. I have to hold myself to that. I will not back down. I know the pain is going to be immeasurable at times. It’s going to hurt. There are going to be tears, there are going to be sleepless nights. There is going to be a lot of hard days, days that seem so dark that no light will ever peek in again. It’s not going to be easy, but its what we’re meant to do. Its what we’ve been destined to do, and I don’t take that responsibility lightly. I feel like this is not just a choice we’ve made, this choice to adopt- but rather, its something we are just going to do, because its whats right in our hearts. Its a simple choice to make, because it just feels right.
You might be the little one coming in June. You might not. But either way, we know you’re out there.
We’re searching still.
While I hope and pray and wish that you are the little one linked to the situation, even if you’re not we will find you, and thats a promise. If you are the little one due in June, we’re still waiting for you. We love you no matter what body and package you come in…because we already love your soul. And RB and I take promises very seriously. No matter the amount of tears and hurt and heartache it takes, we are on the road to come get you. I wish I knew how many months and miles we had left to go, but I don’t. And that is something I’m finding hard to deal with, being the planner that I am. But this is a lesson for me, too. A lesson in letting go of control, a lesson in faith. I have faith that we will find you. I have faith that it will all work out for the better.
And when it does all work out, little one….well what a celebration that will be. Your little life will never go unnoticed, we will appreciate the miracle you are every second of your life.
You’re already here in our hearts. We’re just waiting for you to materialize in our arms.