Let me confess something to you little one. Ready for it?
You’ve already changed me.
And you’re not even here yet! But knowing about you, having something to work towards and fight for and make myself a better human being for…its downright amazing. And you’ve done it. I feel like no matter what I have to do to get you in my arms, to get to have the privledge of being your mother- thats something I could move mountains to make happen. And thats not a feeling that comes easy to me these days, little one.
Let me explain something to you. Infertility affects every woman differently. I’ve heard Marc Sedeka, the author of What He can Expect When She’s Not Expecting say that he’s seen women react in weird ways to infertility. That women who were so strong and willful in everyday life would just crumble under the pressure, unable to move and women who were meek and terrified of everyday life somehow grew superpowers and were able to take on infertility with a brave face and an unstoppable ferocity. I am the former. I can handle a lot of crazy stressful things in everday life. I’ve given speeches to governors in front of hundreds of people, I bought a house when I was twenty, I fly through job interviews like its not a problem at all… but when it comes to the crazy scary mixed up world of infertility, I’m frozen. I’m terrified to make a move, like a deer caught in the headlights. Even though I’ve known about my infertility since I was sixteen, when you’re actually in the trenches and trying for years it still somehow manages to catch you off guard, even if you’ve known about it for a long time.
But then here comes this message about you existing and growing only a few hundred miles away, and my entire attitutde does a complete one eighty. Where there was once fear residing in my heart and my mind, now lies hope. The days where I would come home from work depressed, sitting on the couch in a daze of worry and hate for my own body and confusion and despair, that time is now spent researching and organizing and hoping. My entire energy has shifted. The negative space is coming in to the light again, and it feels like a baptismal rebirth of a new beautiful life I never knew could be possible.
Even if you don’t end up being our little one, you’ve motivated me to find the one who is. Because I now belive they are out there. Whereas before I didn’t think adoption was something that would ever be possible, I never researched it or looked into the possibility based on fear alone- now you’ve lit the fire under my heart and soul to make the leap. Now I know this is something that not only can we do, but that we are meant to do. And while it’s completely unexpected, it’s so beautiful and amazing.
And you did it.
Not to put too much pressure on you little one. But I think you should know just how powerful you are. Though right now you only weigh about ten and a half ounces and you’re on the halfway mark on your journey into the world, But you’ve already changed the world. Don’t ever underestimate how powerful you are little one. Don’t ever let anyone belittle you or make you feel any less than you are, because what you are is simply amazing.
You’ve already changed me for the better. You’ve already made me and RB better people. You’ve changed our outlook on life completely, and you’ve given us a reason to smile and laugh again in a world that before felt like a giant black cloud was forever stamped over our heads.
You’ve ignited a passion in my heart. It’s an indescribable feeling of pusuance and motivation and hopefulness that I wouldn’t be able to shake even if I wanted to…but trust me, I don’t want this feeling to ever go away.
And no matter what happens, no matter how this pans out or what the future holds, I know in my heart of hearts that you’re already a part of our family.
The rest is just paperwork.