…lets talk about you. I’ve realized that until now, I’ve focused a lot on my feelings about this entire situation. I’ve talked about the joy and happiness and sense of completion that I’m sure you will bring to our lives, but I haven’t touched on what I can do for you. And I realized, I really need to tell you all about that, especially after I finished reading this: http://www.chicagonow.com/portrait-of-an-adoption/30-adoption-portraits-in-30-days/.
I’m going to make you some promises. Some serious promises I intend to always keep. In no particular order:
- I promise to love you forever, no matter what. I know thats kind of a given, but you still need to hear it. And trust me, you will hear it often, and loudly.
- I promise to make you always feel wanted. You have to know that not for a second of your existance were you not wanted. If BM decides to parent you, then she wanted you too. If anything, more than any kid in this world you’re wanted most. Don’t ever, ever feel like that isn’t the case. RB and I have wanted you from the second we learned of your existance. That won’t ever change.Ever.
- I promise to teach you everything I can about the world. I promise to fill your head with the joys of this world: beautiful music, the power of nature, the beauty of words and poetry and books and the amazing intricities of science. I promise to help you learn all there is to learn about everything – there is so much knowledge out there for the taking. Knowledge truly is power, and I want you to be as powerful as can be. I will always let you explore any interest your heart desires, no matter how much we don’t get it, we will help you in every way possible. I want you to know all there is to know about life, and I will help in any way to make that happen.
- I promise to teach you right from wrong. I promise that you will be the kid to stick up for the little guy. You will know when you’ve done wrong, and you will have the integrity and the humility to right your wrongs when they do happen (and trust me, wrongs never stop happening. We are all human and we all make mistakes). You will learn from these experiences, maybe more than you’ll learn from any others. I will teach you not to be judgemental, no matter how hard it is. I will teach you that what makes up a persons character is not the color of the skin, who they fall in love with, where they live, how different their lives are from your own, how much money they do or do not possess… no, these do not make a person at all. What makes a person is who is on the inside- their heart and soul. I will teach you to look past the superficial ways of this life and directly into their souls, and see people for who they really are. I will teach you to believe in the good in people always, because everyone has good in them.
- I promise to always provide for you a safe, loving, nurturing environment.You may not always have the newest and greatest, but you will always have a place to call home. Until you are in your twenties, unless you are paying rent. This is another way to show love, little one.
- I promise to never intentionally hurt you, or make you feel any less than you are. I can’t promise that as a family we will always get along, because I would be lying. Families will bicker, they will fight and they will have their differences. Thats okay. Its how we handle those differences that will set us apart. I will never intentionally hurt you with my words or actions. I will make a valiant effort to protect you at all costs. Our disagreements (event when you’re a hormonal teenager fighting to find your identity) will always be civil. Love is respect, and I will always respect you.
- I promise to let you have as much fun as humanly possible. I promise that if you’re in a fancy dress or suit and you have the urge to play in the mud, I won’t get mad. Clothes aren’t anything compared to memories. I promise to enrich your life with as much fun and laughter as possible. I promise to be silly with you, even if I’m feeling down or serious. I promise to come up with silly things just for fun. I promise rainy days in our home won’t be dreary, instead they’ll be filled with treasure hunts and “the floor is lava” games. I promise that you will become well versed in the world of blanket fort construction. I promise that we will dance in the rain instead of complain that its raining. I promise this will make you a happy, content person…you will always see whats really important in this life. And I can tell you, it’s not that the clothes are clean or that the living room doesn’t have any trace of a blanket fort.
- I promise to teach you responsibility. Every action causes a reaction, good or bad. Responsibility does not just represent the bad things, but also the great. I will show you that every single decision you make in life will cause a reaction, and how to tell which ones are going to be good or bad. As an adult, I think we’re all still trying to figure this out. But we’ll get there, I promise. And though you’re going to detest a chore chart, I will try my best to make it fun, this I promise. I promise not to lie to you, because honestly, no one likes a chore chart. Thats just the Gods honest truth.
- I promise to let you be who you are, no matter who that is. Caveat: as long as it doesn’t mean hurting anybody else. But if you want to love boys or girls or both, thats fine. Just be safe. If you want to be a garbage person or a politician (I wouldn’t recommend either, fyi) I will support you whole-heartedly. If you want to play soccer one year and try ballet the next (no matter your gender), I will support it as long as you gave soccer a good try first. I want you to have passion in life in whatever you do, and you can’t have passion without support.
- I promise to be there for you, completely, as your mother every day of your life. I will always love you, no matter what. I will always be there for you, in good times and in bad. I will be the source of comfort, the wide open arms ready to accept you around every corner. I don’t care if you’re eight days old, eight years old or thirty eight years old. I’m always going to be here for you, little one. I will always be there, When you’re crying as an infant, I will scoop you up and turn your world around. When you’re an adult and need someone to talk to at three in the morning, I’ll be on the other end of the phone crying along with you. When you have a great joy in your life, I will be your biggest cheerleader. No matter the circumstances, no matter the year, no matter whats going on in my own life, you come first. That will never change.
These are just the top ones, for now. I’m sure I will keep adding to this list.
FYI: RB is going to start posting in here too, sometime soon. I think it will help him get his feelings out too. Its a hard spot to be in right now, wanting so badly for everything to work out perfectly but knowing all the while theres a huge chance it won’t happen at all- and its all out of our control. But we’re in this, and we’re ready for the long haul.
I keep thinking about June. I keep thinking about the warmer weather and what it could bring with it, like seeing the first flower bloom after a harsh winter.
I’m waiting for you, flower. I love you.