Lets Start at the Beginning…

…because its a good place to start.

I just heard about you for the first time yesterday. I’m not sure if you are anything for me to even hear about, but I’m hopeful that you are… so hopeful in fact that my heart could burst into a million pieces. Because you see, I’ve wanted you and dreamed about you for a long, long time. But I’m getting a head of myself. Very ahead.

We’ll start at the very, very beginning.

I met your…well now heres where it gets fuzzy. I can’t call him anything to you yet, because who knows what the future holds. We’ll call him RB. I call him the love my life.

I met RB when I was 19. Our first date lasted longer than probably any first date in history. We went to dinner, but that wasn’t enough time to spend together, so we went to go get coffee, and that wasn’t enough time together so we went and read books and eventually ended up sitting in the car talking for hours. We knew right away we were meant to be together. I am hoping that one day you’ll learn what an amazing person RB is. He’s the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I knew from the second I looked into his eyes that our love would be a real, lasting love. RB is always there no matter whats happening in life, and sometimes when something amazing happens (like the fact that you even exist) it just doesn’t feel real in my life until I share it with him. We work in a pretty perfect harmony together, and we love each other more than most people could ever understand. I feel like sometimes people don’t have big enough hearts to understand the love that we share together, but thats okay. All that matters is that we understand, and trust me, we do.

RB and I married technically on December 26th, 2008. Not everyone knows that, but I was very sick and while we had everything for our big wedding planned out, we decided that we needed each others lasting support at that very moment, for practical reasons like insurance so I could get proper medical care, but also because the time was just…right. We were married in a gazebo at sunset the day after Christmas in our favorite park, right on the water surrounded by our closest family. We spent a lot of time in that park when we were dating. We’ve taken our dogs to that park (remind me to tell you about the time RB had to jump off the pier to rescue Sammy), we ride our bikes together in that park, it was where we went on our second date and where I hope to one day be able to take you. That place has a very special place in our hearts that grew twice as much that day. We were married by a wonderful woman, and thats a very important part of this story. I’ll get more into that later, but just know that she truly holds a very special place in our lives.

 Six months later, on July 18th, 2009 we had a big wedding in front of all of our family and friends, also by the same wonderful woman in a beautiful old church in Baltimore, complete with a larger than life organ that sweeps the entire front of the church. It’s where Edgar Allen Poe is buried. RB looked very handsome that day, and everything was perfect. Some of the pictures from that day are some of my favorite pictures I’ve ever had taken. I couldn’t have had a more wonderful wedding day, it was the fantasy wedding that every little girl dreams of (except for that whole man with the cognac bottle thing, but thats a story for far in the future. Remind me to tell you of that one, preferably when you’re 18 or older).

Right away we knew we wanted a family. We tried right away, even though we knew it was going to be a struggle. See I don’t have the best health, among other things I have an issue where I can’t get pregnant easily like a lot of women. Even knowing this, we were adorably niave and thought that it would happen easily. I threw away my birth control our first month of marriage.

Time passed.

A lot of time.

More time than we ever could have imagined.

Three years and a lot of medical treatments, dollars and heartache later nothing happened. I never got pregnant. We tried a lot of crazy things in that time (don’t believe everything you read on the internet…not everything works the way it says. And for the record, standing on your head will produce nothing but a big old headache and bruised ego) but still nothing worked.

Flash forward to 2011. Its September 11th, and we’re at my cousins wedding. That wonderful woman who officiated our wedding? Well she’s now a big part of our life. She is like a family member to us, and she officiated my cousins wedding (as well as my sisters, my parents 30th anniversary vow renewal, our two weddings… she is really worth her weight in gold for all the distinctive services she’s provided our family). She decides to stay for the reception, and she sits next to RB and I at the table (along with my parents, sister, brother in law and nephew). We start to talk, she asks us how our struggle with infertility is going. She knows all about it (through facebook, which I sincerely hope is no longer around by the time you’re old enough to be interested in such things. Unless you like wondering when people are out shopping at Target on a Sunday afternoon as a way of having a “meaningful relationship” with friends. Again, I digress).

We tell her how hard it is. That we have so much love to give, and no baby to show for it. She asks if we’ve considered adoption at any point. We reply that of course we have, but it doesn’t seem feasible. With my medical background and the cost of such things, there is just no way we could get lucky enough to adopt. She understands. She has been through struggles with infertility as well, and understands our pain.

Flash forward.

Its early December, 2011. My cousin (brother to the cousin whose wedding we were at) is getting married soon. My mother (another person I really, really hope you don’t miss out on meeting. You will fall in love instantly with both her and my father. They are pretty hard to not fall complete in love with right away. They are two of the most amazing people I’ve ever met in my entire life, and don’t worry- they’d fall in love with you right back instantly…and RB’s parents have a lot of love to give you too. Basically, little one, if this works our the way I hope, you will be surrounded by a lot of love forever.), anyway my mother and I attend his bride-to-be’s wedding shower. My cousins mother comes up to me, say’s she’s had an experience she needs to tell me about, a message. A message? A message from who? She says that God has come to her and told her she needs to deliver a special message to RB and I. That we will soon get a calling. That we are bound for greatness. That wonderful things are in store for us, things we do will not expect or understand, and we will be called to them. To be patient, because its coming.

What?!

Yes, she says. This is what I’ve been told to tell you.

I’m confused for weeks.

Before then, my mother had a dream. A dream where her mother, (my grandmother) came to her and said our time was coming. To be patient, enjoy this time before life gets crazy. Its sooner than we think.

At this point though, I have to admit I’m jaded. After three years of nothing happening and three years of heartache, hurt and regret its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sure, I think, our time is coming. Coming in years and years and years down the road. No way is it coming soon.

Christmas comes, and for some reason I’m not as depressed as I’ve been the past three Christmases. You see, little one, Christmas is difficult for people facing infertility. Its a holiday centered around babies, children and families. When you have none of those, you feel left out. Forgotten. It’s a sad place to be on such a happy holiday, and while dealing with the infertility it was hard to enjoy such a holiday. But for some reason, I felt deep down maybe, just maybe this one would be the last. The last Christmas with this feeling, this awful, hurtful dragging feeling.

Our anniversary is the next day, and RB and I go to a bed and breakfast to celebrate. We are talking alot that weekend about where our lives have been, where they’ve gone and where we wish they were. We decide that 2012 is the year to be proactive. That no matter what, baby or not, it’s going to be our year. That nothing will hold us back. What gave us this adventerous attitude is a mystery, but we felt different that trip. Better about our baby situation. No matter what, we had each other and that was whats important. We were hugely lucky to have what we do have, a good life together. Solid in our love and marriage. So many people struggle everyday with that alone, but that has always come so natural and easy to us. We had great jobs, a home, two precious dogs, friends and family that cared for us more than anythingwe had a great life. Oh, there was still a huge hole that needed to be filled. But we decided, at that moment, to make the decision to be happy. And I have to tell you little one, thats a hard decision to make. It may seem easy to just be happy, to appreciate what you have and not worry with the rest. Its one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to decide on. I know that sounds silly, but one day you’ll understand…though I hope you don’t ever understand that, because no matter what I want you to be happy all the time.

Still, even with this newfound sense of confidence, I got desperate. I reach out to psychics. When you are staring out at a big black abyss of a life, you want some light. Even if its a reflection of light from somewhere else and it’s not even real, just something to hope for out in that darkness. Thats what this psychic kick was all about. All I wanted was some kind of light, even a false reflection. I was told we would get have a precious girl, relating to the month of April/May.

I hate to say it, but it gave me a glimmer of hope.

Fast forward again, and here is where we come to yesterday.

My mom wanted to adopt a dog from New Jersey.

She was adamant that I take the ride with her. I happily obliged. Everything went smoothly, but she kept repeating, randomly, I think you and RB need to save your money. You need to take time to get things together. You don’t know where you’ll be in a few months. Over and over again for the four hour ride. Over and over, the same phrasing. She began to say it one more time, and I stopped her.

What are you actually talking about?!

What do you know that we don’t?

She says, I can’t tell you.

I push harder.

Well, she says, if I tell you you can’t ask any questions.

I tell her thats not fair, and I can’t promise that.

Fine, she says, I cannot tell you then.

Fine, okay, okay, no questions I promise. I knew it would be a lie.

Thats when she says it. She tells me about you. The woman at our wedding? The lovely one that officiated? She knew about you, and they’ve been talking about you and I for weeks.

And my life changes forever.

Everything is up in the air right now, little one. I don’t know if you’ll be our little one when you make your way into this crazy, wonderful world in June. But I have hope. And hope is something I haven’t had in a long, long time. RB says he has a good feeling. We called his family tonight and told them about you, told them to pray. We need all the prayers we can get. I cannot think of a time in my life when I’ve been more nervous, or wanted something more.  I am trying not to get my hopes up too high, for fear that if they come crashing down the higher they are the more debris will collapse on top of me, and the more pain I will feel from it all. But either way, no matter what happens you’ve already impacted our lives, even if only for a little while. Its the first time we’ve found some hope in three years. Do you know what hope feels like, little one? Do you know what it feels like to have a prayer answered?

I’ve hoped and prayed for a little one just like you for a long time. I long to hold you in my arms, to sing you lullabies to sleep, to watch you grow and laugh and give you every single ounce of love that we have to give. I want it with every fiber of my being, and I know RB does too. I will love every night we stay up together, every cry that comes from your tiny precious body will be the best gift I’ve ever been given. I will not complain on your fussy days, I  instead will marvel at everything you are capable of. I will hold you tight when you’re scared, I will nuture you with everything I have, I will love you more than anything in this entire world.

Some people dream of expensive cars, vacations to exotic lands, dream houses. I dream of your tiny toes. I dream of the face you might make when deep in sleep. I dream of sunny days taking you to the zoo. I dream of cuddling with you. I hope and I pray and I write and I cry, and when its all said and done I hope it ends up with you in my arms because anything less than that…well would it be worth it?

But little precious one, its out of my hands right now. If it were all in my hands. there would be no question at all as to how this story would end. But for now, we just have to wait and see where the journey leads us and along the way we can hope and pray and dream that it will end with us being together, being a family. Being happy.

As for now, I’m happy to be scared, and I’m scared to be happy. Its the first real emotion I’ve felt in three years, little one. And you’ve made us feel it. You’re not even here yet, and already you’re amazing.

I hope this is just the beginning.

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